Last updated 11/21/2011
Once upon a time, I worked on a mainframe computer called a VAX 11/750. On it, I found a collection of short humorous sayings that could be searched or displayed at random. I quickly copied the file onto my personal computer, and have been adding to it ever since. The only things the entries have in common is that they are 80 characters or less in length, and that they are at least somewhat funny (to me at least). Feel free to use them for your own purposes, and if you know of a quip or quote that should be included, by all means forward it to me at:
I've written a couple of programs to display the quips. If you're running Linux, quip.pl is a Perl script that pops up a random quote in an xmessage box when you run it. If you're running Windows, quip.vbs is a VBScript program that will do the same. Feel free to download them and tweak them to your heart's content.
"Carburetor" is a French word meaning "Leave It Alone". "Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy. "Did you miss me, dear?" "With every bullet so far." (Peg and Al Bundy) "Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a few mistakes." (Steven Wright) "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order." (Doctor Who) "Military intelligence" is a contradiction in terms. (Groucho Marx) "Mister Worf, fire phasers at will!" *ZAP* "Hey, where did Riker go?" "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed." "Mr. Johnson, you smell!" "No madam, you smell, I stink." (Sam Johnson) "Politically correct" is an oxymoron; nothing political is correct. "Supernatural" is a null word. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." ...I'll wipe away all trivial fond records (Hamlet, I-5-98) ...some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. (Wizard of Oz) ...the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong the crisis. (Spock, "Star Trek") 1 Tidal Wave = 47.92 Microwaves 1. Open mouth 2. Insert shoe store 186,000 miles per second: it's not just a good idea, it's the law. 2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of two. 2Y'sUR, 2Y'sUB, ICUR2Y's4me 3 1/2" hard is better than 5 1/4" floppy. 30 days hath September, April, June, & November; all the rest I can't remember. 5 parking meters = 500 parking centimeters 667: the neighbor of the beast. 8086: The year you finally pay off your computer, peripherals, software, etc. A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A bird in the hand can be messy. A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. (David Gerrold) A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting. (David Gerrold) A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. A city without trees is not fit for a dog. (Jeanne Gleeson) A closed mouth gathers no feet. A committee is an animal with a hundred stomachs and no brains. A computer's feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing." A day without sunshine is like, well, night. A diploma proves only that you know how to look up an answer. (David Gerrold) A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. A fool and his life are soon parted. A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place. A fool and your money are soon partners. A friend in need is a pest indeed. A full bladder is the best alarm clock in the world. (David Gerrold) A good place to start from is where you are. A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A heart will never be practical until it can be unbreakable. (Wizard of Oz) A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. A house divided is a duplex. A king's castle is his home. A language is a dialect that has an army and a navy. (H.L. Mencken) A lie in time saves nine. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (C. Snow) A man who turns green has eschewed protein. A man's best friend is his dogma. A man's house is his hassle. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. A memorandum is written to protect the writer, not to inform the reader. A mime is a terrible thing to waste. (Marcel Marceau) A motion to adjourn is always in order. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. (Yogi Berra) A penny saved is ridiculous. A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. (George Wald) A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. A problem can be found for almost every solution. (David Gerrold) A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well. A rolling disk gathers no DOS. A spilled drink flows in the direction of the most expensive object. A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. (Michael Winner) A tightwad in the hand is worth two suckers in the bush. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. A virtuous life is its own punishment. A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. (Gloria Steinham) A year spent on Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. ABBOT'S FIRST ADMONITION: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. ALLEN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions. ALLEY'S AXIOM: Justice always prevails...three times out of seven. ANSI: Having the qualities of a jelly sandwich at a picnic. ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE: Don't force it, get a bigger hammer. ASCII and you shall receive. ASCII: Device enabling travel over snow. ASTROLOGY LAW: It's always the wrong time of the month. AUTOEXEC: Lee Iacocca. Aaeeeyaaayaaayaayaa... (Johnny Weissmuller) Abort, Retry, Fail, Grab_hammer? About four years ago I was -- no, it was yesterday. (Steven Wright) Above all else: Sky Absence makes the heart forget. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. (Mark R. Miller) Accidents don't just happen, they must be carelessly planned in advance. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Address: Type of apparel worn by some lady programmers. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Against stupidity, the Gods themselves contend in vain. Age and Treachery will always overcome Youth and Skill. Age needn't necessarily be a bar to immaturity. Aibohphobia: n., The fear of palindromes. Air conditioned environment -- do not open Windows. Air pollution is a mist demeanor. Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Alimony is like putting gas in a car that you've already wrecked. All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. All great discoveries are made by mistake. All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. (Pink Floyd) All lawyers should be shot. (William Shakespeare) All men are animals; some just make better pets. All probabilities are 50 percent; either a thing will happen or it won't. All solutions breed new problems. All stressed out and no one to choke. All the kookies are not in the jar. All the world's a stage, and the people on it are poorly rehearsed. All we are is ducks in the wind. All work and no play makes Johnny a manager. All's well that ends. Always borrow from pessimists; they never expect to get it back. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Amnesia: Blank account. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. An atheist is one with no invisible means of support. An eclipse of the Earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes. An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut. An elephant is a mouse built to military specifications. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. An idle mind is worth two in the bush. An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. Anarchy is against the law. Anatomy is destiny. (Sigmund Freud) And now for something completely different... (Monty Python) And your point is... Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Any country with "democratic" in its title isn't. (Jim Murray) Any liquid accidentally spilled doubles in volume. (Lady Curzon Cooper) Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Anyone can win...unless there happens to be a second entry. (George Ade) Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well. (G. Bell) Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (David Gerrold) Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. (A. Bierce) Archaeologists take sedimental journeys. Archimedes had no principles! Are you certain quantum mechanics is a science? Argument: Two people trying to get the last word in first. Art is anything you can get away with. (Marshall McLuhan) Artery: The study of fine paintings. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. (Ellen Perry Berkeley) As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Asking is just polite demanding. (Max Headroom) Assassins do it from behind. Astronauts are out to launch. At my age, flowers scare me. (George Burns) Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance... Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. --Dorothy. Avoid cliches like the plague. Avoid colloquial stuff. Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Ax Me About Ebonics. BALDY'S LAW: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. BARRETT'S LAW: You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. BARTON'S AMENDMENT TO MURPHY'S LAW: Even if it can't, it might. BARUCH'S RULE: Old age is fifteen years older than I am. BEAUREGARD'S LAW: When you're in it up to your nose, keep your mouth shut. BERKELEY'S LAW: Most general statements are false, including this one. BERNSTEIN'S LAW: A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot. BILLINGS' LAW: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. BOMBECK'S RUG RULE: An ugly carpet will last forever. BOMBECK'S RULE: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. BOOB'S LAW: You always find something in the last place you look. BOOSER'S REVISION: A bird in the hand is dead. BOWIE'S LAW: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. BUCHWALD'S LAW: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. BYE'S LAW: The number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Baby boom: Noise made when an infant breaks the sound barrier. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. (A. Bierce) Backoff -- I'm a postal worker! Backups? We don' NEED no steenkin' baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bacteria: The back door of a cafeteria Barium: What you do when CPR fails to revive someone. Be alert, we need more lerts! Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain) Be glad you don't get all the government you pay for. Be good and you will be lonesome. (Mark Twain) Be nice to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home. Beam me up, Scotty; it ate my phaser! Beam me up, Scotty; there's no intelligent life down here. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. Bedfellows make strange politicians. Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin) Before marriage, a man yearns for a woman; afterwards, the "y" becomes silent! Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. (A. Bierce) Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every great man is a woman who didn't marry me. (Al Bundy) Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. Behind every successful man is a woman with nothing to wear. Behind every successful woman is a man who is surprised. (Darlene Sanchez) Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. (Sally Forth) Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. (S. Piro) Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. (Thoreau) Beware of quantum ducks: Quark, Quark Billy was a chemist, but now he is no more; what he thought was H2O was H2SO4. Biology grows on you. Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. (Ambrose Bierce) Black holes suck. Blame Saint Andreas, it's all his fault. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel. Boldly Going Nowhere. Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. (Ambrose Bierce) Born free -- taxed to death. Boss spelled backwards is double s o b! Bowel: One of the letters "a", "e", "i", "o", or "u". Boy Hippie: a guy who looks like a Jill and smells like a john. Bread always falls with the buttered side down. Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. (A. Bierce) Bugs are Sons of Glitches! Bumper sticker seen on Toyota: My other car is a real ota! Bureaucrats cut red tape...lengthwise! Bystander to skydiver: "Break your leg skydiving?" Reply: "No, landing." C:\DOS> C:\DOS\RUN> C:\RUN\DOS\RUN!> CANADA BILL JONES' SUPPLEMENT: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. CHILDREN'S RULE #1: If it tastes good, you can't have it. CHILDREN'S RULE #2: If it tastes awful, you have to clean your plate. CLARKE'S REVISION: Don't put all of your eggs in your pocket. CLOPTON'S LAW: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. COLLEGE LAW #10: An "A" is easily obtained by calling the teacher "Professor." COLLEGE LAW #1: Pocket calculators only fail during exams. COLLEGE LAW #2: All exams contain questions not discussed during class. COLLEGE LAW #3: All students who get a "B" will feel cheated out of an "A". COLLEGE LAW #4: Sidewalks are never the shortest distance between two points. COLLEGE LAW #5: Slightly deaf students will have instructors who mumble. COLLEGE LAW #6: The next class on a rainy day is always three buildings away. COLLEGE LAW #7: When a student does homework, the teacher will not ask for it. COLLEGE LAW #8: All math classes begin at 8:00 am. COLLEGE LAW #9: If an instructor says "It is obvious...", it won't be. COPY UNIVERSE:\MILKY_WAY\EARTH.SUN BLACK.HOLE California is not without its faults. Cancer cures smoking. Candy is dandy, but liquour is quicker. (Ogden Nash) Carpet: A dog or cat who enjoys riding in an automobile. Cat Scan: Searching for your pet feline. Cat... the other white meat. Cat: the other white meat. Catheterize: To make eye contact with a woman. Cats are nature's way of helping you detect people you don't want to know. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. Cats don't adopt people; they adopt refrigerators. (David Gerrold) Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde! Celibacy is NOT hereditary. Cesarean Section: A district in Rome, Italy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office. Chaste makes waste. Chastity is its own punishment. (David Gerrold) Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way. Chicken Little only has to be right once. Chicken feed: What most of our nest eggs have turned into. Childbearing takes 9 months, no matter how many women are put on the project. Children should never discuss sex in the presence of their elders. Christmas is the day when Mom separates the men from their toys. Clark Kent is a transvestite. Cleanliness is next to impossible. (David Gerrold) Clear the Road; I AM SIXTEEN. Cleavage: Something you can approve of and look down on at the same time. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Clones are people two. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Coed dorms promote campus unrest. Coincidences are spiritual puns. Colic: A sheep dog. College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. Common sense isn't. (David Gerrold) Compulsion: The eloquence of power. (Ambrose Bierce) Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer. Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. Computer programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. Computer: A device designed to speed up and automate errors. Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. Computers can never replace human stupidity. Condense soup, not books. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. Confucious say too damn much! Congratulations. You are now fully dilated. (Worf to Keiko, ST:TNG) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Constipated people don't give a crap. Consult a dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling. Consult: To seek another's approval for a course already decided on. (A. Bierce) Contract: An agreement that is binding only on the weaker party. Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you're all thumbs. Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use thumbs. Court Fool: The plaintiff. (Ambrose Bierce) Cover me -- I'm changing lanes... Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. (A. Bierce) Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it. Curiosity: An objectionable quality of the female mind. (Ambrose Bierce) Curse: Energetically to belabor with a verbal stick. (Ambrose Bierce) Cuteness is a state of mind. (Nermal, the world's cutest kitten) D&C: Where Washington is. DAVE'S RULE OF STREET SURVIVAL: Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. DIBBLE'S FIRST LAW OF SOCIOLOGY: Some do, some don't. DUCKLES' LAW: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. DUGGAN'S LAW: To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Darwin Award Winner: Another sap from the tree of life. Darwin Award Winner: Gene pool belly flop. Darwin Awards: And the winner is...eliminated! Darwin Awards: Making the human race smarter, one idiot at a time. Darwin Awards: Natural deselection. Darwin Awards: Where evolution hits the pavement. Darwin Awards: Where the ignorant meet their logical conclusions. Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. (Ambrose Bierce) Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Debug: Six legged critter found on deflowers. Deduce: De lowest card in de deck. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. Deja Fu: The feeling that you've been kicked in the head like this before. Democracy: A government in which everybody gets what the majority deserve. Democracy: Three wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for dinner. Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Did Mount St. Helens make Seattle Wash? Dilate: To live longer. Dinosaurs aren't extinct; they're masquerading as TV programming directors. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country. (Ambrose Bierce) Dirt has reproductive organs that are stimulated by cleaning. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors. (A. Bierce) Disks travel in packs. Disobedience: The silver lining in the cloud of servitude. (A. Bierce) Distrust everything sold at check-out stands. (David Gerrold) Divorce is a game played by lawyers. Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way? Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy. Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo. Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively. Do socialist countries have auto insurance called everybody's fault? Do someone a favor, and it becomes your job. Do unto others before they undo you. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Do you live around here often? (Steven Wright) Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns? Doctors have a cure for everything except poverty. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Dogs are always loyal; they've never learned better. (David Gerrold) Don't Be Sexist; Broads Hate That. Don't Panic!!!!! Don't ask me any questions; I just might tell you the truth. Don't be redundant; don't repeat yourself or say what you've said before. Don't be sexist; broads hate that. Don't count your bridges before you burn them. Don't just do something...stand there! Don't laugh at the fogged up windows; it's your daughter in here! Don't laugh; this is my other car. Don't let Virtual Mondays get you down. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. Don't look now...your boss is watching you read this rot! Don't make me release the flying monkeys... Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamp post. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Don't steal; the government hates the competition. Don't sweat about the data -- it's only ones and zeros. Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive. Don't tell me how to do my job, or I might do exactly what you say! Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover. (J. Breslin) Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Don't use no double negatives. Don't worry, it'll only seem kinky the first time. Dr. Livingston I. Presume: Dr. Presume's full name. Drive fast, the city needs money. Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Dyslexics have more nuf. EINSTEIN'S LAW OF REALITY: R = sh*t happens. EQUALITY PARADOX: All things being equal, all things are never equal. Early to bed and early to rise, 'til I make enough to do otherwise. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Economics is the dismal science because most economists are dismal scientists. Editing is a rewording activity. Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! (Bullwinkle Moose) Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me. (Ambrose Bierce) Egotist: An "I" specialist. Eight birds in the hand won't fit. Elephant to naked man: "It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?" Elevators always travel together; only one of them knows the way. (D. Gerrold) Eliminate government waste, no matter how much it costs. Empty the prisons. Make room for congress. Enema: Opposite of a friend. Entropy has us outnumbered. (David Gerrold) Entropy isn't what it used to be. Error in REALITY.SYS. Run BIG_BANG.EXE (Y/N)? Error reading FAT table. Try skinny one (Y/N)? Eve was framed. (graffiti in the Garden of Eden) Even Napoleon had his Watergate. (Yogi Berra) Even the gods love their jokes. (Plato) Ever notice that the acronym for "Federal Income Tax" is FIT? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. Everything in my life is temporary, but only for a little while. Evil frequently triumphs over good unless good is very, very careful. Evolution: Taking care of those too stupid to take care of themselves. Except for 75% of the women, everyone wants to have sex. (Ellyn Mustard) Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. (Oscar Wilde) Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again. Experiments should be reproducible -- they should fail in the same way. Expert: Someone who brings confusion to simplicity. FARBER'S LAW: Give him an inch and he'll screw you. FATAL ERROR: Rising temperature has fried the CPU (extra crispy). FATHER FANDAL'S RULES: (1) Run!! (2) If they find you, lie!! FINAGLE'S CREED: Science is truth; don't be misled by facts. FINAGLE'S RESEARCH RULE #1: Do not believe in miracles...rely on them. FINAGLE'S RESEARCH RULE #2: Always verify your witchcraft. FINAGLE'S RESEARCH RULE #3: First draw the curves, then plot the data. FIRST LAW OF OFFICE HOLDERS: Get reelected. FISHBEIN'S OBSERVATION: The tire is only flat on the bottom. FUDD'S FIRST LAW: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over. Fact without theory is trivia, theory without fact is bullshit. Facts not conforming to the theory must be disposed of. Familiarity breeds contempt...and children. (Mark Twain) Familiarity breeds indifference. Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. Fester: The opposite of slower. Fib: A lie that has not cut it's teeth. (Ambrose Bierce) Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. (A. Bierce) Fight Crime; Shoot Back! Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity. Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing. (Doug Adams) Food is an important part of a well-balanced diet. (Fran Lebowitz) For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every expert witness there is an equal and opposite expert witness. For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline! Forest fires prevent bears. Forget about World Peace; visualize using your turn signal. Forget the Joneses; I keep up with the Simpsons. Forget the whales; save the cowboy. Four out of the five voices in my head say "call in sick." Friction is a drag. Friendless: Having no favors to bestow. (Ambrose Bierce) Friends don't let friends drive naked. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Fruits have seeds, vegetables don't. Is everybody clear on this now? G.I. Series: A military ball game. GELLER'S LAW OF INERTIA: Where there's a will, there's a won't. GERROLD'S OBSERVATION: A little ignorance can go a long way. GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. GOLDEN RULE: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. GOLDWYN'S LAW: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. GRABEL'S LAW: 2 is not equal to 3...not even for large values of 2. GREENER'S LAW: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. GROEBE'S THEOREM: If you can't remember it, it couldn't have been important. Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks. Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. Genuine imitation placebos, anybody? Geometry: What the acorn said after it grew up. Get a life; it's just a bumper sticker! Get closer, my hitch needs the chrome sucked off. Get off your ASCII. Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading. God created the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends! God is REAL (unless declared INTEGER). God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. (Voltaire) God loves the poor but helps the rich. God's OK; it's His fan club that worries me... Going Too Slow? Tailgate Someone Else! Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. Gossip: Nature's telephone. (Sholem Aleichem) Got any more boxes of Cracker Jack so I can get a license too? Gout: A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. (A. Bierce) Graffiti has changed deface of the nation. Graphic output device: Graduate student with a magic marker. Grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...once. Gravity brings me down. Grow your own dope --- plant a man. Gun control is being able to hit your target. Gun control means using both hands! Guns don't kill people, I do. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. HARRIS' LAW: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. HARSHAW'S LAW: Daughters can use up ten percent more than a man can make. HORNER'S RULE: Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. Half of debugging is teaching the bugs to co-operate! Half the lies they tell me aren't true. (Yogi Berra) Halitosis is better than no breath at all. Handwritten on a condom dispenser: "This gum tastes funny!" Hang up and Drive! Hangnail: An inexpensive coat hook. Happiness is a belt-fed automatic weapon. Hard where? Soft where? Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work never hurt anybody, but why take any chances? Has anyone noticed that Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo? (Phil Donahue) Having kids is hereditary; if your parents didn't, you probably won't. Hawaii is as American as apple poi. He who asks questions cannot avoid the answers. He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end. He who hesitates is last. He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit. He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks. He who laughs last didn't get the joke. He who laughs last thinks slowest. He's a big clog in their machine. (Yogi Berra) He's dead, Jim. You grab his phaser, I'll get his wallet. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. Head 'em up, move 'em out. (Gil Favor) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. Heisenberg was here, I think. Hello? No, I'm sorry, we're only taking questions about farming. <CLICK> Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! Help! I am trapped inside the computer! Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty little girls? Hire the morally handicapped. Historian: A broad-gauge gossip. (Ambrose Bierce) History is written by the survivors. (David Gerrold) Holodeck: the next best thing to being there. Honest, officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here. Honesty is next to poverty. Honesty is no substitute for experience. Honk if anything falls off. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. Horn broken; watch for middle finger. Houseless: Having paid all taxes on household goods. (Ambrose Bierce) How can I miss you if you won't go away? How can you tell when salespeople lie? Their lips move. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. How do you make a dead baby float? Add two scoops of ice cream. How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? Hurt me, beat me, teach me love. Hurting yourself is not sinful, just stupid. Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended (Cher) I always thought that record would stand until it was broken. (Yogi Berra) I am Flanders of Borg. You will be assim-dimmily-dimilated! I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimi...oooh, donuts! I am Woman; I am Invincible...I am Tired. (Karen McCallum) I am firm, you are obstinate, he is a pig-headed fool. I am free of all prejudices; I hate every one equally. (W.C. Fields) I am lost, but I'm making record time. I am not a complete idiot; some parts are missing. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. (Steven Wright) I brake for no apparent reason. I brake for tailgaters. I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. (The Wizard of Oz) I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. I could prove God statistically. (George Gallup) I couldn't think of anything good to say. I did get a life once. I didn't like it, so I traded it for a bigger hard disk. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I disagree with you, but will defend to the death your right to be an idiot. I do not like swimming. It is too much like...bathing. (Worf, ST:TNG) I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to. I don't bite. Well...actually, I do. (K'Ehleyr to Worf, ST:TNG) I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon; then it's time for my nap. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I filled my humidifier with wax. Now my room is all shiny. (Steven Wright) I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I got this truck for my wife! Pretty good trade, huh? I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. (Ron White) I hate everybody, and you're next. I have NOT lost my mind -- I know exactly where I left it! I have NOT lost my mind -- it's backed up on my hard disk somewhere... I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say? I have a degree in Calcium Anthropology -- the study of milkmen. (Steven Wright) I have a hangover...type gently. I have a rare photograph of Houdini locking his keys in his car. (Steven Wright) I have a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. (Steven Wright) I have a vacuum-tube mind in a solid-state world. (George Albrecht) I have a very disciplined dog; he's an East German Shepherd. (Steven Wright) I have the body of a god...Buddha. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. I intend to live forever, or die trying. I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. (Yogi Berra) I know it all; I just can't remember it all at once. I know what MY problem is; what's YOURS? I like to reminisce with people I don't know. (Steven Wright) I like to skate on the other side of the ice. (Steven Wright) I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. I lost a buttonhole from my shirt. (Steven Wright) I love cats; they taste just like chicken. I love my country, but fear my goverment. I married Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was Always. I may be a cruel, heartless bitch, but I'm good at it. I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up. I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. I never metadata I didn't like. I only do what the voices in my head tell me to... I only drive this way to piss you off! I owe, I owe, its off to work I go. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. I saw a man who had wooden legs...and real feet. (Steven Wright) I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. I smile 'cause you've all finally driven me insane. I smile because I have no idea what's going on. I souport publik edekasion. I spent the coldest winter one summer in San Francisco. (Mark Twain) I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone. (Steven Wright) I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better! I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. (Steven Wright) I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company. (Steven Wright) I used to be disgusted; now I'm just amused. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. (Stephen Wright) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. I usually take a two hour nap from one to four. (Yogi Berra) I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad. (Oedipus Rex) I want to die in my sleep like granddad, not screaming like his passengers. I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. (Steven Wright) I was in a speedreading accident; I hit a bookmark. (Steven Wright) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx) I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. (Steven Wright) I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. (Steven Wright) I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without the sponges? I would like to complain about this parrot... (Monty Python) I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I'd do what the voices tell me, but I don't speak their language. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. I'd feel a lot better about doctors if it weren't called practice. (D. Gerrold) I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. (Yogi Berra) I'd know what to think if I knew who to believe. (John Farnie) I'd like to drown all my troubles, but my wife won't go near the water! I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy! I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. (Miles Davis) I'm Bart Simpson; who the hell are you? (The Simpsons) I'm NOT paranoid, so stop thinking that I am! I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light I start eating. I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. I'm as red as a sheet. (Yogi Berra) I'm from the government. I'm here to help you. I'm going to the dentist. I'll be back in an hour. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm multi-talented. I can drive and piss you off at the same time. I'm neither for nor against apathy. (Ben Campbell) I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths. (Steven Wright) I'm not arrogant; I'm just better than you. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going! I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL! I'm not living in the past; I'm just paying for it. (Linda Groth) I'm not tailgaiting, I'm drafting! I'm on a seafood diet; I see food and I eat it. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. I'm thinking the same thing about you. I've a friend who designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. (Steven Wright) I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days. (M. Sims) IRS RULE: The IRS audits all returns whose final figure is divisible by 10. IRS: In Range, Shoot. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. If "pro" is the opposite of "con", what's the opposite of "progress"? If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Her. If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers. If Helen Keller falls down in the forest, does she make any noise? If I can't be with the girl I love, I love the girl I'm with! (Finians Rainbow) If I can't take it with me, I'm not going! (Betty Harrold) If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping. (Yogi Berra) If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet? (Steven Wright) If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If a man talks in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong? If a wedding goes smoothly, it comes off with a hitch. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. If at first you do succeed, try something harder. If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. (Harry Banks) If at first you do succeed, you misunderstood the problem. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you. If debugging is removing bugs, then programming must be putting them in. If enough data is collected, statistics can prove anything. If everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. If guys had periods they'd brag about the size of their tampons. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If it doesn't fit in a pigeonhole, maybe it isn't a pigeon. (Don Addis) If it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, why keep score? (Vince Lombardi) If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching television by candlelight! If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts. If money talks, all it ever said to me was goodbye. If nobody knows the trouble you've seen, you don't live in a small town. If nobody uses it, there's a reason. (Jane Bryant Quinn) If pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? If sex is a pain in the butt, then you're doing it wrong... If she can stand it, I can. Play it! (Humphrey Bogart) If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been on vacation. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better. If the cosmos expands, are we getting taller? (Greg Holt) No, wider. (Ed Pell) If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. (Yogi Berra) If they haven't heard it before, it's original. If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut? If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? If we can't fix it -- its broken! If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had eggs. If we quit voting, will they all go away? If you are what you eat, does that mean Euel Gibbons really was a nut? If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. If you can't hear me sometimes, it's because I'm in parentheses. (Steven Wright) If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. (Yogi Berra) If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. (Bobby Slayton) If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. If you don't like my driving stay off of the sidewalk! If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. If you had everything, where would you keep it? If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too. If you like a girl, her boyfriend is always a jerk. (Robert Newhaus) If you love Jesus, tithe -- any fool can honk. If you see a man coming with the intent of doing you good, run! (Thoreau) If you think nobody cares, try skipping a car payment! If you think nothing is impossible, try skiing through a revolving door. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we solve it! If you want to start a bug collection, paint your lawn furniture. (Lee Davis) If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my tail. If you're not confused, you're not paying attention. If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Illiterate? Write for help. Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable... (Monty Python) Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. (Ambrose Bierce) Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings." Impotent: Distinguished or well-known. In God we trust -- all others require signed approval by senior management. In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. (Josi Simon) In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. (English proverb) In a family argument, if it turns out you are right apologize at once. In an argument, the person talking loudest is probably losing. In case of injury, notify your superior...he'll kiss it and make it better! In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living. In every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. (Napoleon) In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm. In the immortal words of Custer, "They're on the run now, boys!" In the immortal words of Marie Antoinette, "Just a little off the top, please." In the immortal words of Socrates, "I drank WHAT?" In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? Individualists unite! Infinite loops are only theoretical. Innuendo: Italian for where a suppository should be inserted. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids. Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. Insured by the Mafia. You hit me; WE hit you. Is a computer language with GOTO's totally Wirth-less? Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork? (Stanislaw J. Lec) Is man one of God's blunders or God one of man's blunders? (Nietzsche) Is there a Roman numeral for zero? Is there a hole for me to get sick in? (Bob Dylan) Is your graphics terminal? Isn't it funny how everything you swore would never change is different now? It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It ain't over 'til it's over. (Yogi Berra) It behooves the writer to eschew archaic expressions. It gets late awfully early around here. (Yogi Berra) It is an easy matter for the stingy to get rich, but what's the use? It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth-story window on Friday. It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. It is difficult to see the big picture when you are inside of the frame. It is hard to fly with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and my butt's a Milk Bone. (Norm Peterson, "Cheers") It's a good thing money can't buy happiness; we couldn't stand the commercials. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. (Steven Wright) It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. (R. Heinlein) It's amazing how much fun two people can have just by taking their clothes off. It's amazing the number of persons intimidated by mere competence. It's better to be lucky than smart. It's easy to become a monk in one's old age. It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. It's like deja vu all over again. (Yogi Berra) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves. (Little Richard) It's not whether you win or lose; it's whether I win. It's sweet to be remembered, but it's a lot cheaper to be forgotten. It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. (Yogi Berra) Its all fun and games until somebody looses an eye, then its just fun. JAKE'S LAW: Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. JOHN'S AXIOM: When your opponent is down, kick him. JOURNALIST'S LAW: Never assume anything except a 4.25 percent mortgage. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Jealousy: All the fun you think they have. Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable prizes. Joe's Crematorium -- you kill 'em, we grill 'em. Joe's Mortuary -- you stab 'em, we slab 'em. Joe's Taxidermy -- you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. Just when you start winning the rat race, along come faster rats! KAFKA'S LAW: In a fight between you and the world, back the world. KAPLAN'S LAW: If your only tool is a hammer, all problems look like nails. KETTERING'S LAW: If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. KITMAN'S LAW: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. Keep America Beautiful...emigrate. Keep grandmothers off the streets -- legalize bingo. Kevorkian can fit you in next Monday. Klein bottle for rent; inquire within. Klingons appreciate strong women. (Worf, Star Trek:The Next Generation) Knowledge is... uh, is... um... LANGIN'S LAW: If things were left to chance, they'd be better. LAW OF COMPUTABILITY: If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY: Things fall so as to do the most damage. LAZARUS LONG'S OBSERVATION: Natural laws have no pity. (Robert Heinlein) LEAHY'S LAW: If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. LEWIS' LAW: People will buy anything that's one to a customer. LOWERY'S LAW: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. LUCE'S LAW: No good deed goes unpunished. Labor Pain: Getting injured at work. Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. Laetrile is the pits. Laser: Expression for reclining, e.g. "The dawg laser by the table". Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law. (Ambrose Bierce) Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself. Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control. Learning: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. (A. Bierce) Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. (Murphy) Legally insane. Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. (H.L. Mencken) Lest men suspect your tale untrue, keep probability in view. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let those who take the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. Lieutenant Worf, do you intend to blast a hole through the viewer? (Picard) Life doesn't begin at 40 for those who went like 60 at 20. (Lucille Smith) Life is a fractal in Hilbert space. (Rudy Rucker) Life is too short to just sit around enjoying yourself. Life isn't fair, but neither is death. (Ed Cooper) Life: An invariably fatal condition transmitted by sexual contact. Lions and tigers and bears -- oh my! (The Wizard of Oz) Living Dead Dating Service -- let us dig up someone special for you. Longevity: Uncommon extension of the fear of death. (Ambrose Bierce) Lottery: A tax on idiots. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Love is not all you need, but it sure helps. Love isn't blind; it's deaf, dumb, and stupid. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first! Love your neighbor as yourself, but don't take down the fence. Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. Lt. Uhura says, "Subspace channels -- the next best thing to beaming there!" MAIER'S RULE: If the facts don't conform to the theory, dispose of them. MARCUS' LAW: Never divorce the boss' daughter (or son). (Stanley Marcus) MILES' LAW: Where you stand depends on where you sit. MONTAGU'S MAXIM: The idea is to die young as late as possible. MORLEY'S CONCLUSION: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. MURPHY'S EIGHTH LAW: Enough research will tend to confirm your theory. MURPHY'S FIFTH LAW: If you play with anything long enough, you will break it. MURPHY'S FIRST LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will. MURPHY'S FOURTH LAW: Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS: Things get worse under pressure. MURPHY'S NINTH LAW: Any error that can creep into a calculation will. MURPHY'S SECOND LAW: Nothing is as easy as it looks. MURPHY'S SEVENTH LAW: Mother Nature is a bitch. MURPHY'S SIXTH LAW: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. MURPHY'S TENTH LAW: It never rains unless it pours. MURPHY'S THIRD LAW: Everything takes longer than you expect. Macaw: What I have trouble starting on a cold morning. Mad scientists are cloning dinosaurs as future weapons! (Nat'l Enquirer) Magic: The art of converting superstition into coin. (Ambrose Bierce) Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Malpractice makes malperfect. (David Gerrold) Mammogram: A telegram to your mother. Man is a two-legged animal without feathers. (Plato) Man is the only animal that blushes...or needs to. (Mark Twain) Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. (Dave Platt) Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. (Voltaire) Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich. (Ambrose Bierce) May all your hang-ups be drip-dry. McGOVERN'S LAW: The longer the title, the less important the job. McKENNA'S LAW: When you are right be logical, when you are wrong be-fuddle. Medical Staff: A doctor's walking cane. MegaHertz: Many pains. Megabyte: Devouring over half a Big Mac with one mouthful. Men and nations act rationally -- when there are no alternatives. Men are like Dove Bars; one is great, two make you throw up. (Murphy Brown) Mercy: An attribute beloved by detected offenders. (Ambrose Bierce) Microwaves frizz your heir. Middle Age: Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence. Middle age is fifteen years older than you are. Middle age is halfway between your age and one hundred. (R. D. Milligan) Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. (Ambrose Bierce) Missouri loves company. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and should be thrown out the window. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Moderation is for monks. Monday is a depressing way to spend one-seventh of your life. (Mary Kramer) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure lets you pick your own form of misery. Money doesn't change people, it just unmasks them. (J.J. Starbuck) Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. Money is the root of all wealth. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Montana --- at least our cows are sane! Morbid: A higher offer. More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. Most of us don't sell out because nobody wants to buy. (Davy Marlin-Jones) Mother Earth is not flat! Mother's Day is not in May; it's the first day of school. (Peter Rappo) Mother-in-law is the only law in which you are guilty until proven innocent. Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state. Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once. Murphy's Law is always a good excuse. (David Gerrold) My apartment allows pets. I have a pony. (Steven Wright) My car has killed more people then O.J. My child was inmate of the month at the county jail. My friend has false teeth, but he has braces on them. (Steven Wright) My friend has sideburns behind his ears. (Steven Wright) My friend's a bilingual illiterate; she can't read in two languages. (S. Wright) My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading. My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom. My honor student fired your stupid kid. My imaginary friend thinks that you have serious mental problems. My kid could beat up your honor roll student! My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. (Jack Nicholson) My mother was a travel agent for guilt trips. My name is Bond...James Bond. My other car is a land cruiser. My other car is at my place in France. My reality check bounced. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson) My wife said it was her or the cat. I miss her sometimes. NAVAL DECREE: Material is considered lost when it can not be found. NESSEN'S LAW: Secret sources are more credible. NEWTON'S SEVENTH LAW: A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead. NIENBERG'S LAW: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. NIXON'S LAW: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do. (Lee Entrekin) Near future is one of those difficult-to-grasp concepts like infinity. Necessity is the mother of taking chances. (Mark Twain) Necrophilia: that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one. Network: Device for sharing mistakes. Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you? Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Neutrinos are into physicists. Neutrinos have bad breadth. Never answer an anonymous letter. (Yogi Berra) Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Never do anything twice that you don't have to do at all. Never do card tricks for those you play poker with. Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. (B. Rose) Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. Never let your schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain) Never mess up an apology with an excuse. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never mistake asthma for passion, and vice versa. (A.J. Comer) Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never replicate a successful experiment. Never trust a grapefruit. (David Gerrold) Never trust a tall dwarf; he's lying about something. (David Gerrold) Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die! Never try to outstubborn a cat. (Robert Heinlein) Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. New York has the best Governor money can buy. New mail not found. Start whine/pout sequence? (Y/N) News item: Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake! Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a pregnant cat. Nice computers don't go down. Nice guys really do finish first, they just don't brag about it. Nice legs...for a human. (Worf, Star Trek:The Next Generation) Nietzsche is peachy, Goethe is murder. Ninety percent of putts that fall short don't go in. (Yogi Berra) Ninety-five percent of the lawyers give the other five percent a bad name. Nitrate: Cheaper than the day rate. No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. No job is done until you bleed on it. (Suzie Radus) No man goes before his time...unless the boss leaves early. (John Greve) No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. No matter where you go, there you are. No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. No one goes there any more. It's too crowded. (Yogi Berra) No one's credit is as good as their money. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. No radio -- Already stolen. Nobody knows the tribbles I've seen... Node: Was aware of. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Yogi Berra) Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory. Not all the news that's fit to print is fit to read. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Nothing is impossible for the one who has someone else do it. Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. (Mark Twain) Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin. (Al Bundy) Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. Nothing unreal exists. Now and then someone innocent is sent to the legislature. Nuclear war doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. (ABC News) Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts. O'BRIEN'S COROLLARY: If an editor can reject your paper, he will. O'BRIEN'S RULE: Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW: Murphy was an optimist. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? OPPENHEIMER'S LAW: There is no such thing as instant experience. OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't, constants aren't. OSHA'S CONCLUSION: Wet manure is slippery. Of course I'm arrogant; the best usually are. Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you. Oh, you're serious? Let me laugh even harder! (Bender, "Futurama") Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!! (Kyle, "South Park") Oh my God, they killed Kosh! YOU BASTARDS!! (Delenn, South Park 5) Old Grandad is dead, but his spirits live on. Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis) Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough. Old career saving technique: The Hindlick Manuever. Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the hole business. Old frogs never die, but they do croak. Old musicians never die, they just decompose. Old skiers never die. they just go downhill. Old soldiers never die -- young ones do. Omen: A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. (A. Bierce) On a clear disk you can seek forever. On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code! On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. On the other hand, you have different fingers. On the women's room wall on the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before". Once is an accident. Twice is a concidence. Three times is an enemy action. One cannot live by incompetence alone. One cat just leads to another. (Ernest Hemingway) One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. One person's magic is another person's engineering. One thing worse than the idle rich, that's the idle poor. One's mumbo-jumbo is another's science and a third's religion. Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. (C. A. Munro) Only the mediocre are always at their best. (Jean Giraudoux) Only women understand that crying can be fun. Only women understand the difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. Only women understand the inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. Only women understand why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. Open the camera lens two f-stops to compensate for the lens cap. (Dick Harber) Opinions are like some parts of anatomy; everybody has one. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Optimist: A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. (A. Bierce) Organic: Of, or relating to, a pipe organ. Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. (Voltaire) Orthodox: An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. (Ambrose Bierce) Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Outnumbered -- yes. Outmaneuvered -- maybe. Outclassed -- never! Outpatient: A patient who fainted. PAIGE'S RULE: Never look back, something might be gaining on you. PARDO'S POSTULATE: Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. PARKINSON'S LAW #1: Work expands to fill the time alotted for its completion. PARKINSON'S LAW #2: Expenditure rises to meet income. PASTORE'S COMMENT: Nothing is ultimate. PASTORE'S TRUTH: Even paranoids have enemies. PEER'S LAW: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. PMS: Putting up with Men's Shit POWELL'S LAW: Never tell them what you wouldn't do. PRICE'S OBSERVATION: It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. PROGRAMMING LAW #1: Any given program, when running, is obsolete. PROGRAMMING LAW #2: If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. PROGRAMMING LAW #3: If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. PROGRAMMING RULE #1: Never test for an error condition you can't handle. PROVERB LAW: For every proverb there is an equal and opposite proverb. Pain is just God's way of hurting you. Pair up in threes. (Yogi Berra) Pandemonium did not reign; it poured. Pap Smear: A fatherhood test. Paranoia is just heightened awareness. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. (Ambrose Bierce) Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain... (The Wizard of Oz) Pelvis: Elvis' cousin. People ask stupid questions for a reason...people are stupid. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. Pessimist: A person who thinks everyone is as nasty as himself. Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nowhere. (A. Bierce) Phonograph: An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. (A. Bierce) Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic! Picard: "How did you like your first command?" Worf: "Comfortable chair." Pilgrim: A traveler who is taken seriously. (Ambrose Bierce) Pilots are just plane folks. Pitching always beats batting -- and vice-versa. (Yogi Berra) Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct. Please tell your pants that it's not polite to point. Please, God, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me... Polar Bear: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy. (Ambrose Bierce) Polymer physicists are into chains. Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. (Ambrose Bierce) Postoperative: A letter carrier. Poverty is the root of all evil. Practice safe sex; go screw yourself. Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. (A. Bierce) Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit. Pretend to spank me; I'm a pseudo-masochist! Preventing baldness is simple -- just knot your hair from the inside. Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have. Probability is inversely proportional to desirability. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work. Procrastination is the only thing I can seem to find time for. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Programmers get overlaid. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is the ultimate way to get even with your computer. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Prosperity is when your conversation changes from carpools to swimming pools. Protein: In favor of young people. Prune juice...a warrior's drink! (Worf, Star Trek:The Next Generation) Psychiatrists stay on your mind. Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Purranoia: the morbid fear that your cat is up to something. Put all your eggs in the one basket...and WATCH THAT BASKET! (Mark Twain) Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Quit worrying about your health, it'll go away. REAL men don't set their phasers for stun! REAL programmers use "COPY CON FILENAME.EXE" RICHMAN'S RULE: Enough is never enough. RUVEN'S LAW: It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together. (Petrarch) Rash: Insensible to the value of our advice. (Ambrose Bierce) Real estate venture: Plot luck. Realism: The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. (Ambrose Bierce) Reality does not exist...yet. Reality in small doses is OK, but as a lifestyle it's too confining. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is an illusion created by an alcohol deficiency. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Reasonable: Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. (Ambrose Bierce) Recovery Room: A place where furniture is reupholstered. Rehab is for quitters. Reincarnation lets you keep trying until you get it right! Remember to finish what you Remember to never split an infinitive. Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Remember, folks: stop lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH. Remember, pillage BEFORE you burn the village! Remember, sometimes the dragon wins. Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve. (Ambrose Bierce) Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Klingon proverb) Rhetorical questions: Who needs them? Rich or poor, it's nice to have money. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. (Steven Wright) Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mother is pretty; what happened to you? Round numbers are always false. (Samuel Johnson, c.1750) Rubber bands have snappy endings! Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers. Rumor: The favorite weapon of the assassins of character. (Ambrose Bierce) SATTLINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in. SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is "backwards"! SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . SODERQUIST'S PARADOX: There are more horse's asses than horses. SOUDER'S LAW: Repetition does not establish validity. STURGEON'S LAW: Ninety percent of everything is crud. SWIPPLE'S RULE OF ORDER: He who shouts loudest has the floor. Sacred cows make great hamburgers. Sadist: A person who is kind to a masochist. Sado-masochism means never having to say you're sorry. Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. (Ambrose Bierce) Sanity is not statistical. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Save our virgin forests -- buy a tree a chastity belt. Save the whales. Collect the whole set! Saw it, wanted it; had a fit, got it! Schizophrenia beats being alone. Scientific progress varies inversely with the number of journals published. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Seizure: A Roman emperor. Self-esteem: An erroneous appraisement. (Ambrose Bierce) Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else. (Ambrose Bierce) Semiconductors: Part-time musicians. Serfs up! (Spartacus) Serology: The study of English knighthood. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. (Camille Paglia) Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, you probably won't either. Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved. Sex on television can't hurt you...unless you fall off. Sex with a pregnant woman is like buying oats for a dead horse. Sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked. She is like a road: pretty, but crooked. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. Should a bankruptcy lawyer expect to be paid? Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. Sign on Microbiology Lab door: Staph Only! Since I've used all my sick days, I'm calling in dead. Sincerity and honesty -- if you can fake that you've got it made. (George Burns) Slump? I ain't in no slump! I just ain't hitting. (Yogi Berra) Small programs are for small minds. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. Smile! Things can only get worse. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. So many pedestrians, so little time. So much roadkill, so few recipes! So you're a feminist. Isn't that precious! Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Some minds are like concrete: all mixed up and permanently set. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let her sleep. Sometimes I'm funny, but looks ain't everything. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. (Sigmund Freud) Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. (Geoffry Hines) Sonogram: A telegram to your son. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Sour grapes usually make sour whine. (David Gerrold) Spare the rod and spoil the drag race. Stamp out philately. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. (W.C. Fields) Start slow and taper off. Start spreading the gnus. Statistics are like bikinis; they reveal a lot but hide vital spots. Statistics: A group of numbers looking for an argument. Statistics: A logical, precise method of stating a half-truth inaccurately. Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. (Pink Floyd) Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me! Streakers repent! Your end is in sight. String savers: Have knots. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Subject and verb always has to agree. Successful research impedes further successful research. (Keith Pendred) Sweater: A garment worn by a child when it's mother is feeling chilly. THE FIRST LAW OF HOLES: When you are in one, stop digging. THE FIRST MYTH OF MANAGEMENT: That it exists. THE SECOND MYTH OF MANAGEMENT: Success equals skill. THE THEOREM THEOREM: If if, then then. THINK! or THWIM! THOREAU'S RULE: Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it. TROY'S LAW: Never say "oops" in an operating room. TRUE THEOREM: Thodium pentathol. TYLCZAK'S PROBABILITY POSTULATE: Random events tend to occur in groups. Tablet: A small table. Take an astronaut to launch. Take off, eh! (Bob and Doug McKenzie) Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Teach your kids the value of money; borrow from them. (Joyce Bowlby) Teachers have class. Teamwork is essential...it allows you to blame someone else. Teenagers: God's punishment for enjoying sex. (Murphy Brown) Tell me to "stuff it" -- I'm a taxidermist. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Terminal Illness: Getting sick in an airport. Texas isn't dull -- it just seems so because it's next to exciting Oklahoma. Thank God we don't get all the government that we pay for! (P. Schneiter) Thank you for pot smoking. That which we call sin in others is experiment for us. (Emerson) The 3 laws of physics: F = MA; Things fall down; You can't push a rope. The Constitution guarantees everyone the right to make a damn fool of himself. The National Enquirer is not useful as kitty litter liner; it is redundant. The agony of delete... The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. The best things in life are for a fee. The bigger the theory, the better. The boat sank. Get over it. The boss may not always be right, but he's always the boss. (David Gerrold) The careful driver honks the horn while going through a red light. The cat always wants to be on the other side of the door. (David Gerrold) The computer virus did no damage; it was devoured by the bugs in our programs. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. The creditor hath a better memory than the debtor. The early bird gets the early worm. The earth is full; go home. The expert avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name. The fancier the car, the uglier the driver. (Peg Tuppeny) The following sentence is a lie. The preceding sentence is true. The future ain't what it used to be. (Yogi Berra) The future is much like the present, only longer. The game isn't over till it's over. (Yogi Berra) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The graveyards are full of indispensable people. The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication. (David Gerrold) The happiest liaisons are based on mutual misunderstanding. The hardest years in life are those between ten and 70. -Helen Hayes, at 73 The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter". (Steven Wright) The interesting thing about a waltzing bear is not how well it dances. The internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. (J. Gilmore) The large print giveth and the small print taketh away. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" The last two words of The Star-Spangled Banner are not "Play Ball!" The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. (J.P. Getty) The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The more you cultivate people, the more you turn up clods. The more you practice, the luckier you get. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. The nice thing about egotists is they don't talk about other people. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. The older I get, the better I used to be. (Bob Levey) The one who dies with the most toys wins. The only thing better than time well spent is time well wasted. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. (David Gerrold) The other day I was putting Slinkys on the escalator... (Steven Wright) The other team could make trouble for us if they win. (Yogi Berra) The paper is always strongest at the perforations. The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed. The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman) The plural of spouse is spice. The probability of forgetting something is proportional to... uh... The problem with political jokes is that they get elected. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The reason people sweat is so that they won't catch fire when making love. The rich don't have children, they have heirs. The richer your friends, the more they will cost you. The road to hell Is paved with democrats. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction. The spouse who snores always falls asleep first. (Marian Neudel) The thrill of victory, the stink of de feet The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase. (Yogi Berra) The tree of life is self-pruning. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. The universe was dictated but not signed. The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. The whole world is going to hell, and I'm driving the bus. There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There are more places to find dirt than there are places to clean. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design. There is no such thing as gravity; the Earth sucks. There is nothing more terrifying than ignorance in action. (Goethe) There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold... (Led Zeppelin) There's a sucker reborn every minute. (Old Buddhist saying) There's a vas deferens between children and no children. There's no future in time travel. There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. There's too much apathy in this world, but who cares? There's too much blood in my caffeine system. These days govt. is a four letter word. They couldn't find the artist, so they hung the picture. They give you cash, which is just as good as money. (Yogi Berra) They say that history repeats itself, but they've said that before. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. (Eisenhower) Things are only impossible until they're not. (Jean Luc Picard) Things equal to nothing else are not equal to each other. Things should be as simple as possible -- but not simpler. (Albert Einstein) Things to do today: 1. Get up. 2. Survive. 3. Go to bed. (Corey Rose) Things worth having are worth cheating for. This car protected by Smith & Wesson. This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto. This is a meaningless recursive statement, or vice versa. This space for rent. This terminal is not authorized for intelligent use. This terminal will self-destruct in 10 seconds. This vehicle swerves and hits pedestrians at random. This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. Those are my principals. If you don't like 'em, I have others. (Groucho Marx) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so. Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students! Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. To all tourists: left lane fast, right lane slow! To all you virgins: thanks for nothing! To avoid all sorrow, just cut off your head. To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle. To do is to be -Nietzsche. To be is to do -Sartre. Do be do be do -Sinatra. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. To err is human; to "Arr" is pirate. To err is human; to blame someone else is politics. (Hubert Humphrey) To err is human; to forgive is against company policy. To err is human; to moo bovine. To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. To hell with the Prime Directive; I'm going to kill something! To increase a disk quota is easy, but to decrease it creates enemies. To make tax forms true they should read Income Owed Us and InCommode You. Today I was -- no, that wasn't me. (Steven Wright) Too bad ignorance isn't painful. Too close for missiles; switching to guns. Too much is never enough. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. (Mae West) Topologists are just plane folks. Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... (The Wizard of Oz) Traveling with kids is like traveling third class in Bulgaria. (R. Benchley) Trees can break wind; I don't want to be in the forest when that happens! Tumor: An extra pair. Turn down that damn Rock 'n Roll! Two birds in the hand are worth four in the bush. Two can live as cheaply as one...for half as long. Two is company, three is an orgy. Two wrongs don't make a right...but three lefts do. Ubangi -- Ufixee (bumper sticker) (Florence Goodrich) Ultrasound: A very loud noise. Universes are just one of those things that happen from time to time... University politics are vicious precisely because stakes are so small. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "shut up." (Joe Namath) Urine: Safe (as opposed to "You're out!") Use enough lighter fluid and you can ignite a cinder block. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. Varicose: Extremely near. Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter. Vein: Conceited. Virtual memory is never knowing where your next byte is coming from. Virtue is its own revenge. (E.Y. Harburg) Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. Vuja de: That feeling that you've never been here before. WALDO'S OBSERVATION: One person's red tape is another person's system. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. WARNING!! Vehicle frequently stops and backs over idiots like you. WELLER'S LAW: At least 87% of unsubmitted papers are unpublished. WELLS' LAW: A parade should have bands or horses, but not both. WICKER'S LAW: Government expands to absorb revenue...and then some. WOLF'S LAW: Those who study the past will find other ways to err. WOLFGANG'S THIRD LAW: "It can't work." Walk softly and carry a fully-charged phaser. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear. Warp factor 6, Mr. Sulu! Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. We all like praise, but a hike in our pays is the best kind of ways. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem! We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. We has met the enemy and they is us. (Pogo) We have a good time together, even when we're not together. (Yogi Berra) We have deep depth. (Yogi Berra) We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart? We have fast and friendly service; which one do you want? We made too many wrong mistakes. (Yogi Berra) We will release no software before its time. We're lost, but we're making good time. (Yogi Berra) Well, are you going to just sit there? Get to work! Werewolf on board -- do not moon! (bumper sticker) Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea-r. What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea-r. What ever happened to the little old lady who screams, "Where's the beef?" What goes into Chili? Several ex-Nazis from Germany. What happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean? What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What makes something valuable is when two rich people want it. What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history. What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. What rear-view mirror? What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain) What's that I don't smell? Dinner not cooking. What's the good of being grown-up if you can't act childish? Whatever happens, act as if it was supposed to happen that way! Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. Whatever you're doing, it's not as important as petting the cat. When God created man, She was just warming up. When The Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Car? When all else fails, try brute force. When choosing between two evils, pick the one you never tried before. When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time. (Creighton Abrams) When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. When pleasure interferes with business, give up business. When policy fails, try thinking. When security guards throw a party, do they let each other in? When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. When the gods want to punish you they answer your prayers. When the going gets easy, the tough get bored. When the going gets tough, the tough runs like a thief in the night! (Al Bundy) When the smoke alarm goes off, dinner is served. (Caroline Curtis) When two bald men put their heads together, they make an ass of themselves. When very angry, count to 750,000 by 37s. When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals. When working toward a solution, it helps if you know the answer. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. When you get killed, you lose an important part of your life. When you get to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra) When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not. (Jerry Lee Lewis) When you're rich, you're hated; when you're poor, you're despised. When you're swimmin' in the creek/And an eel bites your cheek/That's a moray! Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket? Where there's a whim, there's a way. Where there's a whip, there's a way. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Whistler's mother is off her rocker. White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. Who is "General Failure", and why is he reading my hard disk? Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. (Yogi Berra) Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side already. Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes? (Joyce Loebs) Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny. Why doesn't Batman have a Batbeeper? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why is there braille on Drive-thru ATM's? Win or lose, you lose. Window shopping: Eye browse. Windows: 90% pictures, 9% program, 1% curse. Wink; I'll do the rest! Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. Woman was God's second mistake. (Nietzsche) Women -- you can't live with 'em, you can't shoot 'em. (Steven Wright) Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. (Sharon Stone) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal) Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. (Laury Coultas) Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you. (Jannell Smedley) Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Would the last person to leave Detroit please turn out the lights? Xerox never comes up with anything original. YOU!! Out of the gene pool, NOW!! Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. You are totally unique, just like everybody else. (Margaret Mead) You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. (Dorothy Parker) You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. You can not buy beer; you can only rent it. ("Archie Bunker") You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra) You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. You can't have everything; where would you put it? (Steven Wright) You can't tell a book by its movie. You don't know anything about a person until you meet them in court. You don't learn a thing the second time the mule kicks you! You either do or you don't, there is no try. (Yoda, "The Empire Strikes Back") You have the God-given right to go out and step on a land mine. You have to know what you're looking for before you can find it. (D. Gerrold) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. (Steve Martin) You live and learn, or you don't live long. You may already be a loser. (Sweepstakes letter to Rodney Dangerfield) You raise your voice when you should reinforce your argument. You will never see a cat obedience school. (Don Addis) You're in a maze of twisty passages, all alike... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. You're losing your mind. I saw it running down the hall about 10 minutes ago. You're making me stupider; stop typing. Stop typing! You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin) You're not going to believe this, so I'm not going to tell you. You're only young once, but you can be immature for the rest of your life. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. You're twisted, perverted, and sick. I like that in a person. Your Zip file is open. Your fingers on my keyboard make me HOT! Don't stop...oooh, yes... Your karma just ran over my dogma. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot. Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. Your proctologist called, they found your head. Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. Youth would be an ideal state, if it came a little later in life. ZYMURGY'S LAW: People are always available for work in the past tense. Zeus gave Leda the bird. f u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmng
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